However, these traits have also done a lot of damage in my life. I remember staying at my grandparents for a week the summer before my sophomore year of high school. I felt lonely being away from home, and could not get the image of me going off to college out of my mind. As a fifteen year old girl, I was bawling my eyes out thinking about going to college which wasn’t going to happen for another three years! My perfectionism and Type-A-ness lead me to become crippled at the thought of losing control. Although I am going to school to be an English teacher, the though of public speaking has tormented me for years because when speaking in public, I cannot plan exactly how everything will go, so I panic.
This fear of the unknown and of losing control has dominated my thinking for many years. I hate phone calls that I cannot predict, so many friends will not get called. Often, I will go out of my way to avoid any kind of awkward situation, so making friends was not something I was known for in college, but thankfully the ones I did make are high-quality and essential to my life.
What I am getting at is that I am an incredibly fearful person. I don’t think many people know that about me because it’s not something I share due to being embarrassed about it, but I have a reason to share it now.
Earlier this week, I posted my first engagement session photos with me as photographer. Trust me, taking these photos made me incredibly scared. Thoughts were running through my mind all week. What if they suck? What if they hate them? What if I realize I will never be able to become a photographer? My dream for a couple years has been to become a photographer, but I’ve been too busy with school and full of fear to ever put any thought into it. Secretly, I somehow knew the dream would never be realized because I’d always be too scared to give it a shot.
However, God knows very well that I struggle with fear daily. I’m sure he can tell just by listening to my thoughts, but it’s also been something I’ve prayed about constantly. I’ve gotten better over time by calming myself down, and making visual reminders such as one I posted a few weeks ago to help me focus on what’s really important in life, but it’s still not where I want it. I know fear is going against God because I know He will never let anything I can’t handle happen to me. The strength of the Lord has held my hand as he has slowly brought me out of my fearful shell and pushed me toward him, toward a life of purpose.
When my friend, Christine, called me asking me to take her photos, I knew God was saying “DO IT! DO IT!” I felt it so strongly that I had to say yes. Then, as I looked at the photos on my camera, God was telling me, “These are pretty good.” My fear was telling me they would look way worse on my computer.
I’m sure you follow the trend. When I pulled them up on the computer, I could’ve cried with happiness. God was saying, “I gave you passion for this, do something good with it.”
So I did and I am.God has been pushing me for months to do something risky, out of my comfort zone, something I am TERRIFIED of. So, after getting tremendous responses from the engagement photos on facebook and even getting asked already to shoot two weddings (I still can’t believe it), I decided to take the biggest risk of my life and create a photography business.
And you know what? I can’t wait! Sure, I have a ton to learn still, but if people like what I'm doing and I'm proud of my work, then I have confidence I can make this work. Sure, I’ll have to talk to people I don’t know, market myself, work very hard, and get knocked down a few times. But, what’s keeping me from becoming scared is that God is here.
He is always here.
He wants me to succeed.
He wants me to live a life where I can lead others to him, and seriously, a good photo always leads me to God because He is beauty and truth.
I’m ready to look fear in he eye with the Lord holding my hand, and I’m ready for Him to eventually let go and make me a stronger person.